Immediately Imperative Address of Idiocy: A Rant

Opening my car door, trying as hard as I can to not to give in to Neanderthal instincts that tell me to smash the face of the person who is talking to me, I sit down in the driver’s seat and turn the music up very loud as I speed off. My knuckles are white from clenching the steering wheel all too hard, my brain on the brink of an aneurysm; my eyes turn to the giant American flag flowing outside of the nearby car dealership. The flapping of our ol’ red, white, and blue starts to sink its way into my head and I starting thinking about America.

Everything started with hope. It seemed as if everyone thought that the world was ushering in a new age, an enlightenment of sorts. A woman and a black man were neck and neck to be the first of their kind to rule the great United States of America. Of course, the usual slack-jawed yokel still harbored resentment towards the innate differences of the candidates, those differences being skin color and the possession of a vagina. However, most beings of reasonable intelligence thought that it was pretty neat. After all, a woman or a black man would have never even feasibly thought of being president fifty years ago. Actually, many things would have never happened fifty years ago; some notable mentions being Oprah, the movie Gigli, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Then, it all changed. A candidate who was barely still in contention announced a running mate. Her name is Sarah Palin. She was head of the P.T.A., a seasoned two-year Governor of a small town in Alaska, winner of a Tina Fey look-alike contest, and she could be one feeble heartbeat away from being the next president. In addition to all of those air-tight traits that make her ready to be Ruler, or Vice-Ruler for that matter, she is already being investigated for abruptly firing Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan, whom she allegedly pressured to fire an Alaskan state trooper who, coincidently, suffered a rocky divorce from Palin’s sister. Isn’t that curious?

If only it was the younger, perkier SNL Alumn Tina Fey in the running for
Vice Presidency. What's her policies on reform? I don't care,
that nerdy vixen gets my vote everytime.

Sarah Palin has many beliefs she feels strongly about and which will make her a solid candidate. First, she supports capital punishment but is pro-life, meaning people must leave the womb before we can murder them. Palin is against “explicit sex-ed” in schools and believes in abstinence-only education, which she continually stresses to her eighteen-year-old preggo daughter named Juno*. Same-sex marriage is another thing Sarah Palin is against because of the same reasons as all other republicans, that it “destroys the sanctity of marriage”. Breaking news. Gays do not destroy the sanctity of marriage; marriage is being destroyed everyday by abuse, money, alcoholism, drugs, sometimes children and usually divorce.

I could go on and on speaking about her ideals, creating literal “Bridges to Nowhere”, her beliefs about the war, the inexperience, but I will top things off on Palin by talking about oil. Palin promoted oil and natural gas resource development in Alaska, including in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. A beautiful place that is approximately 19,049,236 acres, abundant with creatures great and small. Innumerable vairities of plants and animals populate the area, hell, Polar bears give birth there, it is a magical place. Unfortunatly, Sarah Palin hates magic, and argues that drilling will only take up 2,000 of those acres. Although, I’m sure Palin would be against me shitting in a small corner of her large house. Palin also helped pass a tax increase on oil company profits and put forward an Alaska Gasline Inducement Act (AGIA) to encourage building a natural gas pipeline from the state's North Slope. Oil, oil, oil, money, money, money, segway, segway, segway.

"My name is Mr. Snuggles, and Republicans are trying to kill me."

Anyway, so there I am, driving around to obtain fuel and I see it, like a scab on the horizon, holding its place on the throne with the McDonald’s glowing “M” and smog. The sign told me that gasolene, Texas tea, black gold, dinosaur juice is currently four dollars and seventy-five cents a gallon. I laughed so hard I almost crashed my vehicle. Surely this is some cruel joke, much like the posting of “arm, leg” where the price should be. Alas, my good people, this was no joke. I kept driving seeing the prices all being similarly and ridiculously high. Some authorities blame it on the impending doom of the hurricanes, but I blame it on idiocy.

Sarah Palin is pro-life, and judging by the rise in gas prices
we will need all the babies we can get.

Whenever some slight remark is uttered on the news, radio, or computer(not the newspaper though, everyone knows no one reads anymore.) people go mad. If there is a chance of snow or ice or perhaps a slight mist, everyone goes to the store and buys milk and bread. When the media says something about gas everyone goes and fills up in lines that stretch down the highway. Why can’t people just turn things off and stay home? Imagine how things would change if just half of our entire nation stayed home and didn’t spend one red cent for a whole week, but that will never happen because we are all idiots.

Finally, I settle on a place to purchase gas. Just so happens I run into a guy from highschool who is on the pump adjacent from me. Pleasantries are exchanged and I go in and give my money to the kind Indian man. The Indian man and I start to converse and we both unleash our sympathies upon each other. He says it is a sad day and he is not proud to be an American, and say the same thing. He says I am the only person to only purchase twenty dollars worth of gas today, that everyone else is going crazy and spending eighty to one hundred dollars, and even filling up canisters of oil to take with them. I say have a nice day good sir. Contemplating the state of affairs, I return to my designated pump and fuel my car. Cue my highschool aquaintance. The blandly-dressed young man decides to tell me, while I am pumping almost five-dollar liquid in my car, that he is a youth pastor now and would like for me to join his church. Sorry budrow, but fuck you five ways from Sunday.

In this atrocious present day, for a strapping lad to be so lost in some religious belief that he would offer me to join, and donate money to his church, while I am putting the better part of my wallet into my gas tank, and hoards of people flock to McCain and Palin rallies, I do not see how anyone can argue that we are all buffoons. I suggest we use our constitutional rights now and gain weapons. Pretty soon the whole world will be like the Mel Gibson classic Mad Max. We will be murdering and killing people in the search for oil and water on a dry wasteland of a landscape. So everyone keep driving around and when you aren’t driving and buying, watch the news and get all riled up to go buy more oil. Meanwhile, I’ll be at home reading a book, lifting weights and cleaning my gun.

* Correction: Sarah Palin’s daughter is not named Juno, her real name is Bristol, named after one of the greatest Nascar races. Her other children are named Track, Trig and Willow. No one knows why.