Man Names baby "Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak".

Mr. Ciptak,...fuck you.

Never Drink NOS.

All of a sudden I am in my 2008 Dodge Caliber screaming at the top of my lungs and going a hundred miles per hour down I-85. My chest was pounding and the highway lights were pulsating like a strobe in synch with my heartbeat. “Goddamn!” I hollered. “Shit!” I shrieked.

O my brothers and sisters alike.

It was if Odin himself had blessed me with the Berserker Rage.

Either that or I just snorted the whole Sheen family’s secret cave full of cocaine.

On the contrary, neither of those were the cause of my mania, because my fireball of madness was caused by a 16oz NOS Energy Drink.

The secret ingredient in NOS Energy Drink is actual NOS.

It started out innocent enough. My shift was almost over in the manufacturing plant that I work at, furthering the Capitalist Regime. The time was 2:45am; I get off work at 3:00am and I can be at the gym by 3:30am. I was roaming in the canteen, as I normally do, checking the fridges for food that has been in there all week and had not been touched. People are just going to throw it out anyway, why not put it to good use and eat it myself. Hell, that protein contained in the food is going to waste in the garbage, and that one bony African child whose fly-covered on the tele could be fed a hundred times over with the stuff we dumb Americans throw out. Besides, I was hungry, I was well on my way to work out, and I had already depleted my own resources.

I ate a Hot Pocket, Cheeseburger flavor. It was disgusting, but it stopped the growling. I thought to myself that no amount of chlorine tap water would be able to wash away the flavor of the meat pop tart. I needed something stronger. The red tin winked at me from the back of the cold compartment. I answered the come-hither stare. I held the can in my hands. “Hmm, NOS Energy Drink, that’ll get me home.” I declared aloud. I’ve had my foray with caffeine before, and figured I needed a little pick-me-up. I mean, I just worked a ten-hour shift lifting and sawing heavy material, and I was about to go to the gym and lift even heavier stuff, if anyone needed to drink an “energy drink”, it was me! I popped the tab and started downing the high-fructose corn syrup filled, Fruit Punch flavored beverage. It wasn’t bad. Sugary, delicious effervescence. However, NOS is like that quiet guy in school who seems so nice, then he goes on a killing spree and eats the victims.

Back to me driving real horrorshow. Armed with obscenities and a piss-dripping shriveled wang, I was begging the cops to show up with their patriotic seizure lights. I could outrun them now, on feet if necessary, I could wreck them with my indestructible car or dropkick them through their pussy ass windshields.

If this happened more often, I may actually watch
the South's most popular sport.

I tried to kick open the door to the gym, and then I realized I had to have my card to get in. That and it was “Pull”, not “Push”. If I flipped off the security camera and threw a brick through the glass door, would they let me come back? What if I swept up the glass myself?

Squats. Quad Extensions. Abductors, Adductors. Leg Press. Lay on the floor and tongue kiss the harpie bitch called death.

I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was so light headed; I thought my brain was a satellite orbiting my head. Did I already finish my work out? I didn’t even fucking remember how I got to the gym. I pushed myself up off the floor and tried to stand, but the leg workout had left my muscles burning and swollen. Wobbling around like a newborn antelope, I managed to make it out the door(that I didn’t smash, thank Ford), down the concrete stairs, and into my car.

All that lifting and my legs still didn't look like hers.

Sleep finally found me at 7:00am. When I woke, my heart was still palpitating and my head pained me much like a hangover. Upon regaining consciousness, I had to examine the NOS can further. I should have known what I was in for when it didn’t just read, ingredients, but “Power Ingredients”. The main contributing factors to my lunacy were Ginseng, Taurine, L-Carnitine, Caffeine and a ton of sugar. Combine that with my already existing heart murmur, and that I had abstained from Caffeine for a long while, NOS raped and pillaged my nervous system and was worse than any McCain smear campaign.

In conclusion, if you are a soy-ridden, pudgy grunt who sits at home and plays video games all day that is used to a constant diet of energy drinks and Taco Bell, then, by all means, drink NOS. The shit is liquid skittles. If you are already addicted to PCP or blow, go ahead and slam back a NOS, it may help you stay up an extra day; because we all know a whole extra day of giving fellatio to Republicans and Catholic Priests will help you support your habit. Normal men, normal women, if you are looking for a pick-me-up, do not drink NOS: Instead, get someone to slap you, flick you in the cods or twist your nipple, anything is better than putting that sordid soda into your body.

Females Unite!

This was written by Eve Ensler (author of The Vagina Monologues) on Sarah Palin, and it makes me want to take her out to dinner and make sweet, unabashed love to her. Thank you so much Eve, you are beautiful.

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life
tryingto build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to
saving the earth,ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening ourminds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choicesof my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America maynever recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to betaken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she
has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with
people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied
in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just ofthe U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans.

It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in
the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your
power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent.

I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Elite XC: Shamrock not fighting Slice.

For those who don’t know me personally, I am a huge MMA(Mixed Martial Arts) fan. I have trained in some form of combat ever since I was eight years old. Starting out in Shotokan Karate, then moving on to Tae Kwon Do, eventually I got into Greco-Roman Wrestling and Boxing, then Muay Thai Kickboxing, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and Catch Wrestling. I have personally taught TKD, Kickboxing, Submission Grappling and many different forms of self-defense. I can’t resist in making MMA and all happenings within the fighting world a part of this blog.

With all that being said, The newest Elite XC is about to begin and before it started I wanted to go ahead and make a prediction that Kimbo Slice is going to murder Ken Shamrock, and “murder” may have to be taken literally. However, Ken Shamrock is now NOT FIGHTING tonight because of a “cut” above his eye. In my opinion, I say Ken Shamrock cut his own eyebrow out of fear of death via Slice.

Kimbo Slice says: Fear the Beard.

If you aren’t familiar with Kimbo Slice, he made internet stardom on Youtube with his many street beatings. His only lost was to an ex-police officer named Sean Gannon who trained in MMA, until then Kimbo’s only training was being one tough black man. After his Youtube videos gained a significant amount of attention, Kimbo Slice made some deals and signed some contracts to become a legitamite MMA fighter.

He started training with former King of Pancrase, Bas Rutten, who also was an announcer in the, now defunct, Pride organization. Kimbo Slice began fighting in the Elite XC, knocked out Tank Abbott, almost tore some dudes ear off, and now he was scheduled to fight an MMA pioneer by the name of Ken Shamrock.

Ken Shamrock says: More butter.

Poor Ken Shamrock. Back in the day, before his fame in the Professional Wrestling world, Ken was a handful in the MMA world. He had leg locks and a roid rage to rival any other. However, that was a long time ago in Japan and the first few UFC fights, back when UFC stood for Ultimate Fighting Challenge and was owned by the Gracie family(dirty Brazilians), instead of Ultimate Fighting Championship as it is called now, owned by the Fertitta Brothers(dirty italians).

Now, Ken Shamrock is a washed up hull of a man that continues to go down this hard road, sucking all the money out of this sport he can. Ken has lost his last eight fights. Three of which were to Tito Ortiz and one was a lost to Kazushi Sakuraba, who, despite not being a strong striker, knocked Shamrock out. What the hell were you thinking Ken? Sure, I’ll agree that Kimbo Slice is not a great fighter. He is more of a brawler with not a lot of technical ability, but he is a certified beast with iron hands and a steel jaw, while Shamrock on the other hand, looks as if he is made of putty.

Tito "Whose The Real Slim Shady?" Ortiz

This fight, as of a couple of minutes ago, is not happening, but if it happens in the future, I’m going to go ahead and call Kimbo Slice knocking out Ken Shamrock in the first round. Unfortunatly, we won’t see Kimbo Slice destroying Ken Shamrock, they’ve pushed some other guy(Seth Petruzelli) in the way of that onslaught, but we do have the incomparable Gina Carano fighting some other, far less attractive girl by the name of Kelly Kobold. Please Gina, in all your beauty, beat the hell out of this girl, I'll be drinking beer and the cheers I reserved for the Slice/Shamrock fight will now be unleashed for you.

Things McCain is Older Than: Part 1

John Sidney McCain was born on August 29th, 1936. He is an old man, bitter from war, torture, and a hard life not being able to raise his hands above his head, that is, unless he is really excited. He has also lived at a time where our best inventions had not been conceived yet. I'll be telling you exactly what those inventions are in a saga of blogs, this first one is something we all are familiar with.

Mrs. Tollhouse may have not been a firestarter in the
bedroom, but she could bake her ass of.

Chocolate Chip Cookies. Mother of Pete what a delicious treat. We all know and love this manna from heaven and would not have much of a life without them. There are conflicting stories as to the origin of Chocolate Chip Cookies; however, we know for sure it was first included in a widely distributed Tollhouse cookbook in 1936, the date of McCain’s birth. So yeah, technically these cookies were around when John McCain was born, but giving the slow nature of news, the lack of computers and cell phones, and the scarceness of luxury back then—even though McCain came from oil money—I’d like to think he didn’t find out about these wonders until his early childhood.

Without his beloved Chocolate Chip Cookies, the "Cookie Monster", most likely
renamed, would have probably became some super criminal with a hunger
for violence instead of baked goods.

Imagine a strapping young McCain at the tender age of eight, perhaps playing with a sharp stick of some kind. All of the sudden, a boyhood chum frolics over with a wet-your-pants excitement that would be rare in those days. Let’s call this boy Timmy. The conversation these two youngun’s had might have wen’t something like this…

Timmy: “John! You have to try these cookies my aunt just made from this cookbook!”

McCain: “That’s ok, I’ll ruin my appetite, and mother is cooking up a mean stew.”

Timmy: “I can’t take no for an answer, you must try these cookies!”

McCain: “What’s so special about these cookies that have you up in a tizzy?”

Timmy: “Well, you’ve had cookies, right?”

McCain: “Of course, they’re amazing, the epitome of perfection.”

Timmy: “You’ve had chocolate, right?”

McCain: “Naturally, an equally spectacular treat.”

Timmy: “Well these cookies, these special snacks, are cookies with chocolate chips baked right inside!”

McCain: “You’re shitting me.”

Timmy: “Never, John!”

McCain: “I’ll kill your family budrow, I haven’t the time for jive like that.”

Timmy: “No! I brought one over, here try it!”

McCain: “Alright give it here…”

*MUNCH, MUNCH*

McCain: “…Goddamn, Tim, this must be what Jesus eats.”