Things McCain is Older Than: Part 1

John Sidney McCain was born on August 29th, 1936. He is an old man, bitter from war, torture, and a hard life not being able to raise his hands above his head, that is, unless he is really excited. He has also lived at a time where our best inventions had not been conceived yet. I'll be telling you exactly what those inventions are in a saga of blogs, this first one is something we all are familiar with.

Mrs. Tollhouse may have not been a firestarter in the
bedroom, but she could bake her ass of.

Chocolate Chip Cookies. Mother of Pete what a delicious treat. We all know and love this manna from heaven and would not have much of a life without them. There are conflicting stories as to the origin of Chocolate Chip Cookies; however, we know for sure it was first included in a widely distributed Tollhouse cookbook in 1936, the date of McCain’s birth. So yeah, technically these cookies were around when John McCain was born, but giving the slow nature of news, the lack of computers and cell phones, and the scarceness of luxury back then—even though McCain came from oil money—I’d like to think he didn’t find out about these wonders until his early childhood.

Without his beloved Chocolate Chip Cookies, the "Cookie Monster", most likely
renamed, would have probably became some super criminal with a hunger
for violence instead of baked goods.

Imagine a strapping young McCain at the tender age of eight, perhaps playing with a sharp stick of some kind. All of the sudden, a boyhood chum frolics over with a wet-your-pants excitement that would be rare in those days. Let’s call this boy Timmy. The conversation these two youngun’s had might have wen’t something like this…

Timmy: “John! You have to try these cookies my aunt just made from this cookbook!”

McCain: “That’s ok, I’ll ruin my appetite, and mother is cooking up a mean stew.”

Timmy: “I can’t take no for an answer, you must try these cookies!”

McCain: “What’s so special about these cookies that have you up in a tizzy?”

Timmy: “Well, you’ve had cookies, right?”

McCain: “Of course, they’re amazing, the epitome of perfection.”

Timmy: “You’ve had chocolate, right?”

McCain: “Naturally, an equally spectacular treat.”

Timmy: “Well these cookies, these special snacks, are cookies with chocolate chips baked right inside!”

McCain: “You’re shitting me.”

Timmy: “Never, John!”

McCain: “I’ll kill your family budrow, I haven’t the time for jive like that.”

Timmy: “No! I brought one over, here try it!”

McCain: “Alright give it here…”

*MUNCH, MUNCH*

McCain: “…Goddamn, Tim, this must be what Jesus eats.”